Should I stay or should I go?
A deeper analysis of love, relationships, attachment and when to leave.
The Dark Side of Romance
Being at the cusp of Valentines Day, this is often the time of year filled with lavish gifting, over-the-top declarations of love and extra special attention from our significant others. Whilst we wish you all endless happiness on the most romantic day of the year. We also wanted to take this opportunity to remind you of the darker side of love. Ahead, we will be discussing the more nuanced forms of manipulation and toxicity beyond the key signs often discussed in articles and books.
*You can also find links to further information at the bottom of the blog, as well as helplines and ways to seek help.
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When You Lose Yourself
Gaslighting has been steadily gaining tact in the media as more people begin to realise how deep the trauma from this manipulation tactic stems. It is manipulation making the victim question their thoughts, memories, emotions or even their own sanity. Signs include making the abuser feel like they’re overreacting/imagining things; invalidating their emotions/calling them sensitive. The victim may start feeling confused or crazy, find themselves constantly apologising, questioning their own worth and ability to make decisions but having a gut feeling that something is wrong. Gaslighting can make the victim feel incredibly isolated as the abuser slowly make them start detaching from loved ones and relying solely on the abuser to clarify “reality” for them.
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Love or Love-Bombing?
Of course, the ideal relationship is one filled with endless love and affection. This is what makes it so difficult to discern whether one is the subject of genuine passion or the victim of the manipulation tactic known as love-bombing. This item refers to overwhelming your s/o with actions and words of love, often to win over trust and affection to fulfil an ultimate goal (Shirin Peykae, MA). Signs include expensive gifts which can be inappropriate; constant compliments; overwhelming you with constant attention, as well as a desire for your undivided attention; extreme intensity and being upset about boundaries. However, the affection is never maintained and is often used to reinforce the behaviour the abuser desires.
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The Effects
Toxic relationships are often discussed from the perspective of what the abuser does, and less what the victim feels. Tiredness is a major symptom of victimhood in a relationship which is felt even when the toxic individual is not present. This is often supplemented by a constant anxiety. A toxic relationship often has effects that stem into other aspects of life, with work and other relationships also suffering. Often, a victim will find themselves finding ways to avoid the toxic individual, either consciously or subconsciously. The victim constantly finds themselves bracing for a ‘gotcha’ moment, feeling as though the abuser is constantly looking to trap them/catch them out. You may find yourself apathetic, not saying what you want as there is simply no point.
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For further information:
Gaslighting: https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/12/19/18140830/gaslighting-relationships-politics-explained
Gaslighting: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting
Gaslighting: https://www.verywellfamily.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470
Love-bombing: https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing
Love-bombing: https://www.businessinsider.com/what-is-love-bombing-2017-7?r=US&IR=T
Effects of a toxic relationship: https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-relationship-15-signs/
Signs of a toxic relationship: https://www.supportiv.com/relationships/toxic-relationship-signs-effects
If you need help:
Affordable relationship therapy: https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?help_with=Relationships (you can also find sections for other therapies on the website)
Relationship helpline: https://www.thespark.org.uk/relationship-support-for-couples-individuals/relationship-helpline/ (their helpline number: 0808 802 2088)
Talk to someone: https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/talk-someone
A page covering all formats of assistance: https://www.helptoheal.co.uk/help/relationship-support
For general help or someone to talk to: https://www.samaritans.org/ (call 116 123 for free)
